LIFE | Candidly Susie

Friday, April 3, 2015

Whether or not this will come as a surprise to you depends on how well you know me or don't know me. I don't think it's any secret that self confidence isn't something we are born with. It is learned and can be taught and just as easily it can also be untaught.

I try to appear to be as confident as possible at all times. I don't like for people to think I am weak, not in any sense of the word. Let me be clear: I am not weak. But I am human. I can experience a whole range of emotions and feelings within the scope of a day, an hour.

We all tend to portray ourselves in the best light possible. We want others to think we've got it all together, that we've got it all sorted out. We want them to think that we've always been confident and that our self confidence has never been tested because to show anything else implies that we are less than perfect. We are not perfect. We are human.  I am human.

Up until maybe the last year and a half or so, I have struggled with this notion. I have fought with the fact that I am not perfect. This may seem silly, because we all know that no one is perfect; it is not possible.

I have fought with my body, I have fought for my body. I have fought with my self-doubt and lack of self esteem. I have felt inadequate and unimportant. I have felt unloved and damaged. But these are feelings...they have no basis in reality.

They have absolutely no basis in reality.

I remember a long time ago in 6th grade a boy pointed out something incredibly embarrassing to me about me. I thought if he can see this and I can't, he must see what everyone else sees. I must be the one who is blind.

He probably doesn't even remember what he said to me, but I have never forgotten it. And it started an unreasonable fear within myself OF myself. Maybe everything I thought about myself was wrong. It has to be and maybe I'm the only one who can't see it.

But that wasn't the case. It never was.

Almost 2 years ago I was diagnosed with Graves Disease, an immune system disorder that causes my thyroid to be an overachiever. It turned my life upside down. I was so sick and in denial for so long I landed myself in the E.R. It scared the shit out of me, to be so helpless. It was then that I decided I needed to get better. I needed to be better. My mind, my body, my soul all needed to be better.

I had let this disease take over my life without ever putting up a fight. My performance began to slip, my passions faded away, my life seemed empty.

I didn't want to feel that way anymore. So I decided enough was enough. I was tired of feeling tired. I was tired of feeling like a failure. I was tired of feeling sorry for myself. I was tired of not feeling beautiful, of feeling like I belonged in the shadows. My husband and my son deserved better. I deserved better.

When you know better, you do better.

Now I know better.

I will NEVER allow myself to be bullied by anyone or anything every again. Not from outside myself and not from inside myself. I am not defined by any of that.

I am taking risks and I am taking chances. No one gets to tell me that the path I am taking, that this journey, that my life is anything less than what it should be. NO BODY.

This is why I started this blog because we all deserve to be the best versions of ourselves.

Be kind to yourself, allow yourself to enjoy your life without judgement. Know that the way others see you is a reflection of themselves, not you. Know that you are beautiful, with make up, without make up. Know that you are amazing as a size 2 or as a size 16. Know that you are worthy during sickness and during health. Know that you are loved. Know that you are capable of success. Know that you are worthy and nothing should ever change that.

As always, Thank you for reading,


No comments:

Post a Comment