LIFE | MIA 2.0

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Wow! It has definitely been a hot minute since I have posted. SO much has happened since July and it has taken me a bit of time to sort everything out and get a good gasp on it all. I like to keep things relatively quiet, because I always find it very discouraging when people don't react to my news like I hoped they would. I am the kind of person who feels everything, usually a little too deeply. And when I experience someone not being as positive as I wished they would be, it really gets me down. Not like in a "well, maybe I shouldn't be doing this" kind of way, but it definitely sets the tone for the way I will feel for the next day or two.

I really wish I could be someone who didn't care what others say and have that coveted "eff-you attitude", but that's just not me. I always do what I'm going to do anyway, so I supposed maybe I've got like a mild version of that attitude? "Like, I don't care what you think, I'm doing it anyway....but you totally bummed me out..."

So, what I'm trying to get to is why I took my break from blogging for a bit.

My life is changing. I am changing it. Because one of the worst things you can do for yourself is to continue living a life that you have decided you are stuck with. Because you are not. Like at all. Despite what you may think. Your life can be changed. Is it easy? Not necessarily. Will it take a lot of work? Hell yes, it will. But it IS possible.

Do you know the Lewis Carroll quote, "If you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there." Well, that was how I was living my life. I didn't know what I was trying to do because I didn't even know the kind of person I was. Society forces us to choose really early on what we want to do with out lives. Pick a college, declare a major, get a job! Well, we have to make money don't we? So off I went in the direction of doing so, only to find it a wrong fit. And when I came back home, I started taking business courses, because that is what I was told I would need to do. Society has also told us that we need to have a bachelors degree. Doesn't matter in what, but you won't get hired without one. So off to business school I went, while simultaneously trying to work my way up the retail management ladder. I didn't know what I wanted to be or do, so I decided to be good at what I was doing.

When my husband deployed, I needed to take a break for retail to care for my son. He was going to start pre-school and paying all that extra money for him to stay in wrap around care seemed crazy, especially when I had the option of staying home. So I did. We hung out all summer and then I got to take him to pre-school and watch him blossom and grow. AMAZING. But that left me with a good amount of time to sit and thing some more about what I was doing with my life. During the deployment, I was able to focus and finally finish my bachelors degree that I had been working towards on and off for about 8 years. It felt really good to finally get that piece of paper in my hand. I did it. I was proud of myself. I was an entrepreneur, a mom, a full time student, and I did it. All on my own. I go back to retail? None of that was something I could deal with. It nearly made me panic at the idea of going back because I knew deep down in my heart, that wasn't something I could do. So I started thinking about going back to school for a masters. Equally as panic inducing. I half halfheartedly took the GRE and all I could think was that I was taking it to get into a master program I didn't care for, just to get a degree in a field I never want to work in.

AH! what do I do?...

I know that I am blessed with an amazingly supportive husband. A husband who has listened to me cry and complain about these thoughts I am typing up here for you. And all I could think and say was that I wished I had a chance to start over and do something that is meaningful to me. Something that puts more good out into the world. Something that is helpful. I want, correction, I NEED my life to be meaningful in a way that is meaningful to ME. Let me be clear on that, because I don't want anyone upset with me because they think I'm looking down on anyone or that I don't think other people have meaningful work. That's not at all what I am saying. I need my life to have meaning in a way that is meaningful TO ME.

Are we good? Okay, good. Nobody be upset with me. Kay?

So, we researched and we researched and we researched some more. And in the meantime, I pulled my weight by creating art and selling cards and working on some graphic design (all things I enjoy very much, as hobbies) and I finally found it...

So, now I am back in school. Taking science courses and biology courses to set myself up for the next big goal in my life. At this moment, I am a BIOLOGY MAJOR. Technically, working towards my second bachelors. Kind of crazy, right?!

Anyway, so that was why I went missing for a bit. I had to get all my stuff sorted to put in applications and begin to cut back on all the projects I had going on. (Goodbye CopyCatChic! I miss you!) I still am selling my cards regularly, but I am only selling my art selectively. School is taking up nearly ALL time and on top of being a full time student, I am still a mom and a wife. Both of which are incredibly important roles for me.

So! That brings me to the question: If you had a do-over at life or even school, what would you do?

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